Colonoscopy

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You know how old stand-up comedians used to start their routines with “A funny thing happened on the way to the theatre…”? Well, a few weeks ago, a funny thing happened me in the airport. I took a quick trip to the bathrooms and was alarmed to discover quite a lot of blood on the toilet paper when I was finishing up. (Oh yeah, this post might ick you out a little bit.) There was more blood on the bowl, the sight of which made me the tiniest bit dizzy. Nothing like being in an airport, on your own and bleeding profusely from the back passage to cause a mild panic.

The thing is, it had happened a couple of times that week already, but this was by far the most frightening experience. And after all that’s happened in the past year with dying parents and cancer-stricken in-laws, I decided to take the sensible route and go see the doctor about the problem.

Beyond fart jokes, I’d imagine most guys don’t like talking about medical problems with their backsides. So doctors be warned – if we show up asking for you to check out our rectums, then there’s a fair bit of anxiety lurking in the background. Otherwise, we’d just shelve the problem and ignore it.

Luckily, my GP decided my symptoms were serious enough to warrant a rectal examination. Which was uncomfortable for all concerned. On reflection, I’m glad I didn’t make that quip about “Now you’ll have to marry me!” when he withdrew his fingers. Why? Because he asked if I’d been having the bum sex. Er…no mate, I’m married. With kids. “Oh well, we have to ask,” he waved the topic away. But now I’m paranoid. Do I have an ass that looks like it’s being penetrated by beefy blokes on a regular basis? Oh dear.

Anyway, this leads me swiftly on to a colonoscopy. Just to be on the safe side, the GP referred me to another doctor. We took it private and the consultant recommended a colonoscopy for piece of mind. And about £1,400. Ouch. Thankfully we have insurance we’ve been itching to spend on buttcams.

The prep was worse than the actual procedure. Not only did I have to go without food since lunchtime the previous day, but I had to take this formula which turned me into a walking human power-hose. It was horrible, and I effectively lived on the toilet for almost a whole day. Not fun.

Luckily, and to wrap up my grossest post ever, the whole procedure was over in 15 minutes, with a clean bill of health. As uncomfortable as the camera bit was, I was facing the screen, so I could see all the hot intestinal action. I did wonder for a minute before the procedure if I swallowed a tiny sign saying “You are here”, would it get far enough down to be seen on the colonoscopy!

I’m only a tiny bit miffed they didn’t offer me a DVD of the buttcam footage.