How our middle child is overcoming his shyness

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it on this blog, but our eldest son is painfully shy. Well, he was painfully shy. At one point, my wife suspected he had selective mutism, a condition where the child behaves normally at home, but outside the house they barely communicate at all. In front of other adults outside the family, Jake would rarely utter a word.

Lately he seems to be gathering more confidence. I’ve noticed such a change in him in the last twelve months. He’s always buzzing about things in his life – whether it’s his adventures at school, or his time in Cub Scouts, or even things that’ve popped straight out of his (incredibly fertile) imagination. In fact, he’s become an unstoppable chatterbox!

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Should children call parents by their first name?

Do you call your parents Mum and Dad, or do you use their first name? Or, more importantly, do you allow your children to call you by your first name?

I’ve been meaning to ask this question on the blog for a while now, because our daughter – quite of her own free will – has been calling me “Gerard” and “Dad” intermittently for almost as long as she could talk. And to be honest, a little part of me likes the idea of being on first-name terms with my children.

Also, before my father died, I called him by the nickname “Chib” (it’s a long story how he got that name). He never seemed to mind, except on occassions where his brothers or sisters were visiting. Even today I refer to him as Chib, which is rewarded with raised eyebrows in polite conversation!

The reason I like my children using my first name is that it doesn’t tie me to a role. I’m not always Daddy. I have noticed that Rachel calls me Daddy or Dad more whenever she needs me in that parenting role (or she’s just sucking up to me for a favour – junk food treats or avoiding bedtime).

Also, there’s something quite absurd about being called by your role. That’s like being referred to as “manager”, or “husband” or “man”. Unless you’re a doctor or a police officer, you probably don’t get this in any other area of your life – why should parenting be any different?

Are you friend or parent?

Maybe this is wishful thinking, but I’d hope that the first name thing pays off in a couple of years, when they transition to teenagers and traditionally shut the parents out. I’d like to think that because we didn’t force “Dad” and “Mum” on them, they might be a bit more open and honest when the time comes.

What about you? Do you let your children call you by your first name? Are you on first name terms with your parents?

Are there any reasons why using the first name is a bad precedent to set for children? Or do you think this is a positive step in your relationship with your child?

How to stop your child’s friendship deteriorating?

What do you do when you notice your child’s friendships breaking down?

Do you intervene, do you try to get them to talk it out? Do you try to get them to spend time apart? Do you mind your own business and be there to pick up the pieces?

Rachel (who’s only 7 years old, remember) is having quite a bit of friction with her best friend of the last 3 or so years. The other little girl is quite introverted and likes to keep Rachel to herself. She’s not keen on the two of them mixing with other kids, although we try to make sure Rachel has other options.

But over the last few months, Rachel’s friend has become quite snappish. She stops listening to her and becomes irritable for no aparent reason. She’ll insist on playing games that she wants, but will leave if she doesn’t get her way.

We know that that all of this upsets Rachel greatly. And the continuing tension between the two hasn’t been great for her. She’s become touchy, so the least negative comment to come out of her friend’s mouth is usually taken in a bad way rather than ignored.

Tonight, we took our three children plus three of their friends to the park for a bit of fun. All went well until the pair had another argument. Rachel’s friend became withdrawn and introverted, but we later caught her conspiring with the other little girl we’d brought (another friend and neighbour) to play together exclusively. I took all three together and explained how hurtful it was to exclude a friend in that way, and to do it in such an obvious manner, whispering with each other in our presence!

Lisa tells me it’s not the first time this little girl has tried manipulating another friend of theirs to get back at Rachel. It’s quite a sneaky way of behaving – our own kids probably aren’t beneath using this technique! I know there are probably mitigating factors: she’s an only child, her parents split a few years ago. But while we’re sympathetic, what’s the best way to resolve this?

This relationship gets more fraught with each passing day. We’re trying to help Rachel expand her circle of friends with other kids in the street and with occassional playdates with friends from school. If we had our way, we’d make sure the pair spent less time together and perhaps learned to appreciate their friendship more.

So, have you experienced this problem? Any advice, ideas, recommendations, would be really welcome!

The perks of being the eldest child

Lisa and I are both the eldest children in our respective families. Both of us can remember that there are special perks associated with being the eldest.

In my case, every Saturday night, my Dad would slip out of the house and bring back fish suppers for him and my Mother, then they’d call me down as well for my share. My two sisters would be innocently sleeping upstairs while I, the eldest, was able to munch away on junk food. And I don’t think they ever found out!

Lisa remembers similar benefits of being the oldest daughter in her house. The getting to stay up late, special treats, and an extra special bond with her Mother were some of the perks she had.

We find the tradition is continuing into our time as parents. We’re sitting in the house tonight, watching TV and drinking a nice bottle of red wine. At one point, the munchies hit us, and I fired up the chip pan to make a quick, unhealthy snack. As I was making it, I could hear a bit of bumping about upstairs and surmised that Rachel was still awake. She’s been reading herself to sleep lately, but tonight she was obviously still wide awake and messing around in her room.

So, I hissed up the stairs “…are you still awake? Come out here now!” She wasn’t even remotely worried about being in trouble, so I asked her if she fancied some chips. She bolted down the stairs in case I changed my mind, and I presented her with a small plate already libarally sprinkled in vinegar. She dashed into the living room and nestled herself between Lisa and I and munched away while Lisa caught up on Dancing On Ice.

The whole time, she wittered away, chatting about the show. She loves Dancing On Ice, and she was happy to babble and talk away. Sitting there in her stripy pajamas, Rach was in her element, all smiles and giggles until it was time for bed again, then she disappeared again without too much fuss.

Isn’t it great being the eldest? Do you have any memories of times your parents gave you a treat?

7 Habits and our family

I stumbled across this post over on Ririan Project today about the 7 habits of highly successful fathers.

Funnily enough, when we first started a family, I picked up that book by Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful Families. While it was an interesting read, I never got to the end of it. It’s on my to-do list for when I start working from home.

Ririan’s post borrows heavily from the Covey formula, and it’s an inspiring read. However, I do disagree with his first point, keeping stress to yourself. OK, it’s one thing to not let your mood impact your family, but I try to talk to our children about what’s going on in my life.

I came home quite tired from work the other day and explained that I’d had a hard day at work. We briefly chatted about why my day had been so difficult. While it’s important to let the children get on with the business of being kids, part of being in a family is sharing your emotions, and I’d like to think the kids can come back to me and talk about their lives too.

The entire list of 7 habits is as follows:

1. Keeping stress to yourself
2. Leading by example
3. Being consistent
4. Staying involved
5. Scheduling family recreation
6. Teaching
7. Creating family rituals

Tell me, do you think they’re the ‘right’ habits or are there other things to focus on with your family?

More On iPods And Singing

Rachel’s fascination with the iPod continues.

At the moment, the shuffle at the side of my bed has the new Dixie Chicks album and Carrie Underwood’s debut. Because of the holidays, I’ve been letting Rachel lie in our bed and listen to some songs before she goes to sleep. When she gets tired, she switches off the iPod and puts it at the side of the bed. Still being careful with it.

Last night, I went into the room, and she was sitting there bopping along to the Dixie Chicks. She pulled out one of the headphones and said “Can you help me find my favourite song?” You have a favourite? Sure I’ll help you, I want to find out about this favourite song.

So, we sat for a minute or two until we found the song she liked (described as sounding like an elephant – there were a few heavy piano chords at the beginning). The surprise was when the vocals came in and Rachel sang along! Wow, she’s actually listening to the words…and remembering them!

What a powerful sensation to discover your daughter is developing musical tastes. As we sat on the bed, sharing headphones and being serenaded by Rachel, it was almost overwhelming. One of those lump in the throat parenting moments. Luckily, Lisa had the same experience this evening, so she didn’t miss out.

Rachel seems to be having a ball at the moment. I think the music is something that’s completely her own – not shared with the boys. It’s also something she can talk to us about, and I think she enjoys that new way to bond with us.

New Words Every Day

I just love the stage that our baby boy is at right now. Actually I should probably stop calling him a baby, he is more of a toddler at this point. But he is our youngest and last and I want to have a baby for just a bit longer!

Anyway back to the point, Daniel is 21 months old and chattering like a monkey! I love watching the joy on his face when I understand what he is saying, and more often than not what he wants to eat.

Many of Daniels first words have been food or drink related. Unsurprising, considering thats all he ever wants to do. He is now constantly asking for bananas, toast, biscuits, chocolate (I know, I’m a bad mother), grapes, milk or juice. When he asks for whatever it is he wants and I understand him he immediately yells “Hooray!!”, it’s just so cute.

I can see Daniels temper starting to lessen as he is able to communicate more. I am so looking forward to the day that he can say, “mummy, I am hungry and would love to have my dinner now.” But for now, “bye bye” and “banana” are more fine by me.

The Run Up To Christmas Begins!

Normally by this time of year I am at least half organised for christmas. I know how boring that sounds but the thought of buying all my presents in December terrifies me and I could never afford to do it all in one month anyway.

This year however I seem to be lagging behind. I have a few things in for Jake and a few dress up costumes for Rachel, but other than that the attic is bare.

I hadn’t even begun to worry about it until we went sofa shopping today. After visiting numerous furniture stores and finally deciding on our perfect sofas we were informed that we would have to wait 14 weeks for delivery. The sales assistant specifically pointed out that we will be receiving the set about a week before christmas. The panic then set in……14 weeks, thats only 3 months, thats three wages, thats not enough!

To make things worse after a visit to the toy store next door the children have now dictated their entire christmas list, and guess what, they won’t be getting the half of it! Jake, our wily three year old, informed me that if I let him get a big drum kit for christmas he would be my best friend again. i didn’t know that he had ever stopped the wee imp!

So the christmas countdown has officially begun. I had better start to stockpile very soon, or it will be homemade gifts and cards for family and friends!

Hitting, Smacking and Physical Violence…How Do I Discourage It In My Children?

Over the last few weeks I have felt as though I am banging my head off a brick wall. Jake has always been more free with his hands than Rachel, but over the last six months or so, I have noticed that he rarely hits, kicks or pushes anymore.

Since summer holidays started though I have noticed a deterioration in both of the children’s behaviour. They are hitting each other A LOT! To make things worse, a boy that often plays with Jake and Rachel came crying to us tonight that Jake had hit him on the head, and it turns out that Rachel, who thought the boy was being cheeky, had told Jake to do it.

I am trying to talk it out with them, explaining what they are doing is wrong and that it hurts other children. They have had stickers removed from their reward charts, they have been brought inside and not allowed out to play. None of it seems to be working. To be fair the majority of the problem lies with Rachel, Jake often just follows his big sister’s lead.

I think that Rachel is bored, she misses school and it is very hard to stimulate her effectively while also trying to amuse the two younger boys. I am at my wits end, and don’t like to see my usually very kind and considerate daughter turn into such a bad tempered little girl.? I am trying to practice positive discipline and not constantly tell her she is being bad, but sometimes my patience does wear thin. She is so quick to say sorry to avoid punishment, but I know she rarely means it.

Gerard is going to take some time off work within the next few weeks and we are going to try to occupy the childrens time a bit better. Hopefully a few day trips and some one to one time with Rachel will help cheer her up.

When Gender Becomes An Issue

Up until recently there was very little differentiation in our home between the toys Rachel played with, and the toys that Jake chose.

If Rachel wanted to play with Barbies or My Little Ponies, then Jake was happy to join in. But in the last few weeks our wee boy has started to emerge. It all started with a Batman figure that my sister bought for him last month, and from then we have seen his interest in boys toys grow and grow.

I thought it was time to bring down all Gerard’s old He-Man and Ghostbuster toys from the attic yesterday, and honestly you would have though that it was christmas in our house. Jake has played with the toys ever since, and its funny to imagine that 25 years ago his dad was playing with the same toys.

I can see Jakes gender really beginning to make a difference in other areas too. He is no longer content to watch Barbie Mermadia repeatedly, but is now asking for Power Rangers and Thunderbirds. When playing with other children he naturally gravitates towards the boys, and instead of playing on the swings, or see saws, Jake now wants to play sword fights.

Rachel is such a girly girl, who loves to pretend to be me in every way. Its nice to see Jake no longer following her every move, but beginning to make choices of his own.